Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life

That’s from the Introduction in which we get a quick overview of ACT.

Here’s what you need to know…

Hayes was inspired to create ACT in response to the panic attacks he was experiencing as a young man—similar to how Marsha Linehan used her own suicidal behaviors as the catalyst and fuel for her creation of DBT.

He was deeply influenced by both Stoicism and Buddhism in his creation of ACT.

We talked about cognitive behavioral therapy’s connection to Stoicism in Donald Robertson’s The Philosophy of CBT in which we learn how Stoics influenced Aaron Beck.

ACT is a “third wave” extension of CBT, so I asked ChatGPT to let me know how Steven was influenced by Stoicism. It told me that he once said: “Stoicism has a clear influence on ACT, especially in its focus on accepting what is beyond our control and taking committed action based on our values. Both traditions emphasize the importance of living in accordance with one’s values and understanding the limits of what we can change.”

Now… The three categories of ACT include: mindfulness, acceptance, and values-based living.

Regarding mindfulness, Steven tells us: “Mindfulness is a way of observing your experience that has been practiced in the East through various forms of meditation for centuries. Recent research in Western psychology has proven that practicing mindfulness can have notable psychological benefits.”

And: “Using specific techniques, you will learn to look at your pain, rather than seeing the world from the vantage point of your pain.”

NOTE: That’s a VERY big distinction. We want to LOOK at our pain objectively/mindfully/from an Observer-self perspective RATHER THAN see the world from the vantage point/through the lens of our pain. Helping us do that is a BIG part of this book.

Regarding acceptance, he tells us: “The ‘acceptance’ in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is based on the notion that, as a rule, trying to get rid of your pain only amplifies it, entangles you further in it, and transforms it into something traumatic. Meanwhile, living your life is pushed to the side.”

And: “Acceptance, in the sense it is used here, is not a nihilistic self-defeat; neither is it tolerating and putting up with your pain. It is very, very different than that. Those heavy, sad, dark forms of ‘acceptance’ are almost the exact opposite of the active, vital embrace of the moment that we mean.”

Regarding commitment and values-based living, he tells us: “When we are caught in a struggle with psychological problems we often put life on hold, believing that our pain needs to lessen before we can really begin to live again. But what if you could have your life be about what you want it to be about right now, starting this moment?”

That’s from the first chapter called “Human Suffering.”

Here’s what you need to know…

WE ALL HAVE PAIN.

I know that when I was a teenager struggling with anxiety and a young man struggling with both anxiety and depression (although I never thought to call the experiences by those names), I thought I was the ONLY one experiencing the things I was experiencing.

That didn’t help. (Hah.) (I can laugh now.)

Of course, decades and hundreds of (ancient wisdom and modern science) books later, it feels almost silly to type that out, but it’s REALLY (!) important that we all REALLY understand the fact that EVERYONE experiences pain and suffering in their lives.

EVERYONE. Without exception. Period.

I will always vividly remember the time I was working with Steve Chandler over a decade ago when he told me that I was experiencing whatever psychological challenge I was facing at the time: “Not because you’re YOU but because you’re HUMAN.”

Embracing what Kristin Neff calls our “common humanity” is a critical component to cultivating what she calls “Self-Compassion.”

I repeat: YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

btw. You know how many people around the world are believed to be suffering from anxiety or depression or another mental health challenge?

1 BILLION PEOPLE.

Note: Every time I do my quick AM journaling, I capture the essence of my life’s Heroic Mission by writing: “101 x 1M = 1B => 51|2051.”

As you know if you’ve been following along, that’s also tattooed to my forearm. It’s shorthand for doing my best to help create a world in which 51% of humanity is flourishing by 2051 by helping 1M people get their Soul Force to 101 such that we can hit 1B virtuous targets per year together.

But… Now when I write that “1B” I’m also thinking of the 1 BILLION PEOPLE currently believed to be struggling psychologically as I recommit to doing everything I can to support them.

P.S. Steven also tells us: “Pain and suffering are very different. We believe that there is a way to change your relationship to pain and to then live a good life, perhaps a great life, even though you are a human being whose memory and verbal skills keep the possibility of pain just an instant away.

The approach we will explore in this book is suggested by the word ‘suffering.’ The primary root is the Latin ferry, which means ‘to bear or carry’ (the English word ‘ferry’ comes from the same root). The prefix ‘sun’ is a version of ‘sub’ and, in this usage, means ‘from below, up (hence) away.’ In other words, suffering doesn’t just involve having something to carry; it also invokes moving away. The word ‘suffer’ connotes the idea that there is a burden you are unwilling or unable to carry, perhaps because it seems ‘too heavy,’ ‘too unfair,’ or it just seems ‘beyond you.’ That connotation refers to more than pain alone; in fact, it provides a different way to address the problem of pain.”

Any time I read a line like…

“Of all the psychological processes known to science, THIS is one of the worst”…

I sit up A LOT STRAIGHTER, underline the passage with A LOT more ink and draw A LOT more lines and asterisks around the passage as I fold the page over to MAKE SURE I feature the wisdom as a Big Idea in our Notes. I would encourage YOU to consider (at least metaphorically) sitting up a little straighter right now as well.

EXPERIENTIAL AVOIDANCE.

It’s what scientists describe AVOIDING things you *know* are best for you but kinda sorta don’t want to do.

And, I repeat…

IT IS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

Period.

Steven walks us through how hard we all work to avoid feeling whatever pain we don’t like. Then, unfortunately, in the process of avoiding that short-term pain, we make it WORSE over the long run. Eek.

As he says: “Outside the body, the rule may indeed be, ‘If you don’t like it, figure out how to get rid of it, and then get rid of it.’ Inside the body, the rule appears to be very different. It’s more like, ‘If you aren’t willing to have it, you will.’ In practical terms, this means for example, that if you aren’t willing to feel anxiety as a feeling, you will feel far more anxiety, plus you will begin to live a narrower and more constricted life.”

The essence of the book is to ACCEPT the fact that YOU WILL experience psychological pain then COMMIT to doing what you need to do to create a life of meaning and purpose.

We want to APPROACH our challenges rather than AVOID them. Easier said than done, of course. But helping us get REALLY good at this is what it’s all about.

Let’s look at a couple of practical ways to go about doing that.

As you know if you’ve been following along, I’m a bit of an etymology nerd. Steven is as well.

Now… After establishing the meaning of “acceptance” and its synonym “willingness,” Steven asks: “Why Willingness?”

He answers that question by telling us: “One reason willingness is worth trying is that it is remarkable how consistently the scientific literature reveals its value and the danger of its flip side—experiential avoidance.”

Yikes! There’s that danger again: “Experiential avoidance.”

Its antidote? Be WILLING to ACCEPT the pain in your life then, rather than do everything in your power to AVOID it at all costs, use the pain as a signal that it’s time to APPROACH the challenge instead.

Steven says: “To be willing and accepting means to be able to walk through the swamps of your difficult history when the swamps are directly on the path going in a direction you care about.”

Marsha Linehan talks about “willingness” as a key DBT “skill” we need to develop as well. She tells us: “Radical acceptance is akin to willingness… Willingness is when you allow the world to be what it is. And, no matter what it is, you agree to participate in the world.”

When Marsha explains willingness, she likes to say that life is a lot like playing cards. You are dealt a certain set of cards. You may or may not LIKE them, but they are your cards to play. If you are UNWILLING to play them, the game ends. As such… We MUST be willing to play whatever hand we have been dealt.

AND… She uses the metaphor of a fire rather than a swamp. Your house is on fire. The only way out is the front door—where the flames are greatest. You feel tempted to find a “safe” place somewhere in the back of the house but you MUST be WILLING (!) to go through the flames.

Check out our Notes on The Happiness Trap and The Confidence Gapfor some more practical Acceptance and Commitment Therapy tools you can use to cultivate your willingness.

For now, know that the biggest issue is that you are paying WAY too much attention to the voices in your head. You need to learn how to “defuse” from your thoughts and learn how to be willing to act in the presence of the pain you’re feeling. Otherwise, as discussed, although you might avoid some short-term pain, you’ll create a LOT more long-term pain in the process.

That’s from one of the final chapters called “Choosing Your Values.”

After establishing the fact that we ALL experience pain and suffering, then encouraging us to ACCEPT that fact and quit avoiding things that might trigger psychological pain, Steven tells us how to make strong COMMITMENTS in our lives to create a vital life of meaning.

The VERY FIRST EXERCISE he has us do?

Steven has you imagine your own eulogy. So… If you feel so inspired, imagine someone getting up there and talking about YOU at the end of YOUR LIFE.

Note: Steven does a little tweak on my “Quick Trip to Hell” exercise. He has you imagine TWO eulogies—one where the individual talks about your life if you continue on the sub-optimal path you might be on right now and the other based on who you COULD become if you started practicing your philosophy and living in greater integrity with your deepest values.

He also throws in a great, sobering reflection: Imagine what the person REALLY thinks about you. We all very warmly pay our respects for the deceased at a funeral and focus on their positive qualities. But… We also know a lot of the less savory stuff is left UNSAID. (Right?)

Then, after helping you establish the “values” by which you want to live your life (what we call VIRTUES!), he helps you set specific goals in specific domains and specific behaviors you will engage in to achieve those goals and win the ultimate game of living a values-driven life.

Now… The question is… If we know the virtues by which we want to be remembered and the behaviors we need to engage in to embody those virtues and create a wonderful life…

Isn’t TODAY a great day to get to work? Indeed it is. And, know this: We architected THE ENTIRE HEROIC APP with *this* wisdom in mind.

With all that in mind… Let’s ACCEPT our life as it is and COMMIT to moving from theory to practice to mastery together TODAY.